An Exploration of Self Care and Radical Self Love.
I've been exploring what it might mean to rebrand self-care and radical self-love. It seems to have taken a dusty turn from its intended use as a tool to truly take care of the details of your life, down a road of temporary superficial fixes. Can we learn to source love from within, and let go of the search for someone or something else to fulfill that longing in us? In my efforts to understand real self-care, I discovered it is an older concept that was essential to the survival against unjust systems that do not take care of everyone in the same manner. In her book "A Burst of Light and Other Essays" Black Feminist and Poet Audre Lorde spoke of self-care in this way " Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."
She was speaking to the many oppressive systems for black people, women, LGBTQ+ community, and to political systems. She also had to fight to be heard and fully seen as a human first within the healthcare system. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in the 1980s. In her efforts to find proper care she came across challenges finding the right doctors. Doctors who would listen to her concerns about suggested treatments, answer her questions without judgement, and treat her as a whole person. After all, it was her body and life on the line! She worked to find Physicians who would not simply reduce her to a mere diagnosis. She struggled to find compassionate doctors who would honor her right to make decisions for her own body without shaming her choices in the process.
Many of us find ourselves presented with circumstances that require us to scrounge up that sort of strength within us. When we have our backs to the wall, or we are being pushed to the brink we often look for someone else to intervene, to have our backs. In Audre's case, even in the darkest hours of her life, she resourced from within and trusted her own instincts to be her best advocate and friend. We too possess this vital source of love, self-knowledge, truth, respect, and stability often forgotten or unfulfilled. It is not earned, but it does need your attention and care. A simple remembrance of it will stoke it back to its full luminosity, like a flame in a windless place. When we are truly aligned in our own systems, it helps us put in place the structures we need to survive and thrive in our own unique way.
“ Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
With social media, self-care is often misrepresented by people suggesting face masks and beauty treatments, spa days, candles, and bubble baths as fixes for anxiety, depression, and mental health. There is nothing wrong with any of these treatments or activities. However, they typically only offer short term relief, if any. They are often unfulfilling remedies to a much deeper longing for real love and certainly not a replacement for professional help when needed. We can seek love from sources outside of ourselves, but I believe deep and resounding love for oneself is paramount for your ultimate well-being. Without that understanding, the quality of love we seek outside ourselves, may determine how we see ourselves overall, especially if we have a poor sense of our own worth. i.e., Lovable vs. unlovable.
Sadly, many people base their self-worth on unstable connections in relationships, or perhaps having experienced a lack of love in childhood, they did not form that understanding. So how do we reshape the present moment into a loving relationship with our own self, scaffolding our self-worth using our inner resources?
I recently read a story about couples who have successfully maintained long term love. They learn to fall in love with the person they are with again and again. Each time your partner changes or evolves as a human, you learn to love and appreciate who your partner is becoming in each season of life. It's important to remember, the person you are with now is by no means going to stay the same ten years from now, nor twenty years from now. Let’s at least hope that’s the case!
Finding that loving connection many times throughout the life of a relationship can be challenging.
Integrating, accepting, and loving all the complexities of your partner makes for a long and love-filled life together. A life full of acceptance and space to change and grow over many years together sounds ideal.
Who doesn't want to fall in love again and again? The euphoria of a new relationship is so intoxicating combined with the comfort of a long-term partnership, and can be a soft place to land for some.
This got me thinking, can we love and appreciate ourselves in the same manner? As we change and grow, can we fall in love with ourselves more deeply at every stage? Can we learn to offer our own hearts the most love? Of course, I don't mean in a self-indulgent way, but maybe that's the problem.... that I feel compelled to clarify that might be part of the bigger issue. It's possible to hold two truths, you can really love yourself and still do the highest good in the world. Truly caring for yourself does not mean you only look after your needs. Caring for others is one of the greatest gifts, and is ultimately what we are all here for, to exist with one another.
However, you must remain vigilant that you are not spiritually bypassing pain, grief, world events, injustices, and emotional discomfort by using self-care as a vehicle to avoid doing the real work. The challenge here is staying grounded in your center and rooted in love. That love is already a source in you, and it's been there all along. This is what will support you in sitting with the uncomfortable, in allowing space for difficult emotions and situations, in knowing how to best serve under any circumstances. Where there is friction, there is usually growth on the other side and clarity ahead. It's my belief that when you consciously take good care of yourself, it creates the conditions for you to act with more purpose and focus.
In my Monthly Meditation Satsang group, we recently discussed how vital it is to implement a pause between a response or reaction. We also discussed rearranging the term "Self-care" to "Caring for yourself" which seemed to offer more permission to take positive steps towards a more loving relationship to Self. We often overuse certain terms such as self-care in the wellness industry and social media, so much so they become diluted and lose their original potency.
Self-care can take many forms. It may look like taking a pause from harmful people, setting a boundary, pausing before you speak, taking your time rather than acting impulsively. It could also be making time to take care of certain details of your life to create more security and well-being. To pause means to "stop temporarily" or " to linger for a time" which creates a spacious quality for you to engage in a healthier way. It enables you to access discernment, better judgement, intuition, and often reveals the truth in time. The beauty of this is you get to decide how long you need to linger before making any decisions or acting on anything!
“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
Now that we have a better understanding of actual self-care, here are three steps towards incorporating it in a more meaningful way.
Understand and list your non-negotiables in your self-care. That may look different for each of us. One of mine is implementing boundaries. This does not come naturally to me. It takes work to create healthy boundaries with people whether it be with family, work, or in any situation where you feel on the spot to agree to something. I’ve also found that when I address my finances, I feel much lighter. I used to avoid bank statements and looking over bills because I felt overwhelmed by those details. And finally, a non-negotiable for me is I must spend time in rest and contemplative practices such as meditation, reading good books, writing, and taking walks. Just choose even to do one of these a day, and you will recharge your whole being. All these activities help restore my creativity, provide a sense of ease, refresh my attention, and lessen my anxiety.
Make time for rest! As mentioned above, rest is key. To elaborate, this is not necessarily about taking a nap, but carving out the time you need to free your mind of capitalist constructs. To actively work against patriarchal systems that condition us to constantly produce in every manner possible, that tell us we are never doing enough. Rest for me is taking the time to let my mind wander the way I did when I was a child. I dream, make up stories, or simply meander in my thoughts without holding some to-do list over my own head. My time becomes truly my own. Sometimes it just looks like breathing and lying still. In a Ted Talk on “12 Truths I Learned From Life and Writing”, Anne Lamott shared this truth, " Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." Give yourself time to unplug from social media, from answering texts, and from constantly moving and doing.
Find your people! Knowing I have a handful of loving folks in my life including my partner, my kids, an amazing family member or two, and a few close friends is always comforting. When I am not at my best, feeling lost, depleted, or I need good company, and a healthy chat, I know who will show up no matter what. And I return that energy by doing the same when anyone in my close circle needs that kind of care. Learn to be a good listener. It is a skill! In my 20s I had no clue how to listen fully, but now I really get it! And now, because you know how to care for yourself, you can really be of support to others in big and even small but impactful ways.
The non-negotiables I listed are a place to start, but you will discover you have your own specific areas which deserve your own brand of loving attention and inner wisdom.
Notice when you are confronted with certain emotions or uncomfortable conversations, do you abandon your truth to be pleasing to others? Do you shrink and hide hoping the difficulty will pass? Do you sense anxiety or tension in your body when you consider your own needs? Where in your body do you feel it? Just note your natural responses to these inquiries as thoughts, memories or sensations arise.
It’s wonderful to be a giving person, to show affection and to offer love to others. However, be certain you are not trading your safety, your self-worth, emotional, mental, or physical needs, even your finances or your environment for affection and validation from other sources.
I highly recommend taking some time in meditation or quiet contemplation if you feel overwhelm and anxiety. Breath work is useful and can help regulate your body and mind when you are anxious. There are many good resources for these practices. I offer guided meditations on Insight Timer for anxiety, self-care, and for heart centering practices. I've curated some incredibly helpful books on the topic if you would like additional information on learning to love yourself wholeheartedly.